Why Tiger Parents Push Their Children to be the Best and Why it Works

If you haven’t heard of Amy Chua’s book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”, or her accompanying article in the Wall Street Journal: “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior”, by now, you’ve missed out on a lot. Published in 2011, her book caused a hailstorm of controversy and criticism in the U.S. among mommy bloggers, Chinese Americans, and the general media. In the book, she outlines her tough parenting tactics in dealing with her two daughters, Lulu and Sophia. Growing up, she forced them to practice the piano and violin for hours and hours a day, drilled math with them, accepted grades no lower than an A, and even threw out a birthday card her daughter Lulu had made because it wasn’t good enough. She did this, all while banning the girls from watching TV or having sleepovers, or really any of the things that a normal American child would consider part of their childhood. Sound familiar to anyone? If you grew up in an immigrant household in America, chances are, this story is old news. According to her critics Chua exhibits a style of parenting known to psychologists as authoritarian. As it turns out, research shows this type of parenting is common to families of Asian descent: Chinese, Korean, Indian, as well as Nigerians and Iranians. Authoritarian parenting is one of four parenting styles studied by child developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind in her research during the 1960s. Authoritarian parents establish strict rules, offer harsh punishments, and fail to explain the reasoning behind their rules. They often give their children limited choices, or none at all. According to Baumrind, children of authoritarian parents often have lower self esteem, difficulty in social situations, and are poorly socialized. Of course, not all members of these groups experience this type of parenting, but there is a stronger majority among them. When Chua’s book came out, I immediately went out and bought it, reading it cover to cover. Within a few days, the book was dog-eared, written in, and highlighted. I laughed and cringed as Chua’s stories made me think of my own tiger mother, and many of the stories were reminiscent of my own childhood. I remembered complaining to my mom about how she seemed to make all of my choices for me, only to have her snort, retorting back, “Of course you have choices! Doctor or lawyer?” I watched with dismay as Chua was torn apart by the American media, both fearing the rise of a more powerful Asia as well as the ambivalence of parents about whether they’re raising their children well. After all, that’s why so many parenting books exist right? Whether it’s Baby Einstein or 哈佛女孩刘亦婷, no one wants to be told that their children are inferior or that they are bad parents. Many of the comments came from people who had never even read the book and were knee jerk reactions to Chua’s sensationalized article in The Wall Street Journal. And, of course, the thinly veiled racism was there. Chua’s daughters and Asian students in general were called “mindless robots” and lacking individuality. Chua and Asian mothers were called killers of creativity and raising children who, while getting good grades, could never possibly succeed in the American system because they were just too under-socialized and lacking in leadership skills. But we tiger cubs have claws, and this one is ready to strike back. Critics of Chua largely base their arguments of the negative effects of tiger parenting on Baumrind’s research, which is not only over fifty years old, but conducted largely on white, middle class families, well before the wave of Asian immigration to America in the 70s and 80s. During this time period, for example, the Asian American population nearly doubled. Today, Asian Americans make up only roughly 4.4% of the population, yet lead others in education and income. 49% hold a bachelors degree or higher, and the median household income is roughly $66,000. Compounding this, 61% agreed that they were raised by tiger parents and about two-thirds said parents should have a lot, or some, influence in a child’s life and choices, such as profession, school, degree, or even choice of spouse. (PewResearch) Baumrind’s findings clearly do not apply to children of minorities as other more recent studies have since discovered/argued (Baldwin, Baldwin & Cole, 1990; Leiderman, Roberts & Fraleigh 1987, Dornbusch & Darling, 1992). Even Baumrind herself, in a 1972 study focusing on African American families found that there was a positive relationship between the authoritarian style and a preschoolers’ presocial maturity. You could argue, and I think very effectively, that Baumrind’s parenting styles therefore may not be culturally relevant or meaningful to all groups, particularly for Asian Americans. (Ruth K. Chao) For example, the parenting style of Chua is closer to the Chinese xiao shun, and rather than “authoritarian”, may be more accurately called ‘training’. Chinese mothers, who adopt this style continuously, monitor and guide their children, setting expectations that the children have to then surpass. While there is a degree of overlap between the authoritarian and training styles, they are not the same. “Trainer” parents punish when their expectations are not met, not arbitrarily. Furthermore, their reward system over being praised is demonstrated through further involvement and support for the child. Chua herself outlines how her daughter, Sophia, hated math but she sat down and worked with her daughter everyday, even when Sophia complained, until she improved, and today, as a result, it is one of her favorite subjects. She made her other daughter Lulu practice the piano for hours and hours on end, and today, Lulu has played at Carnegie Hall and loves music. Not to mention the other countless benefits being musically literate brings. Chua similarly forced both her daughters to learn Chinese and though it was a major source of contention between them, today both girls are fluent and have publicly said they are happy that their mother made them do so. Who could argue that being fluent in more than one language is not a benefit? Chua is a shining example of authoritarian/training parenting done correctly. She set goals for her children to aspire toward, trained them to work hard, and ultimately believed in telling her daughters the truth rather than sugar coating it: “A lot of parents today are terrified that something they say to their children might make them feel bad. But, hey, if they’ve done something wrong, they should feel bad. Kids with a sense of responsibility, not entitlement, who know when to experience gratitude and humility will be better at navigating life.” The important thing to note here is that Chua was responsive to her children’s needs. That’s why she wrote her book. Her daughter, Sophia, rebelled against her so much that Chua had to reexamine the amount of control she was placing on her daughters and learn to let go a little. But she stressed that if she could go back, she would not change anything she did because she felt her actions built a strong base for her children’s success. And I agree with her. Good tiger parents push their kids when needed and then learn to let go. During the Tiger Mom controversy, many came out with studies purporting to prove that children of tiger mother were failures, did not succeed in life, or were highly depressed. They said, “supportive parents” raised better children. But what does “supportive” even mean? The concept is a cultural norm and what a Chinese mother thinks is supportive may differ from what an American mother thinks is supportive. And Amy Chua, though strict, has been nothing but supportive to her daughters. To paraphrase her, she told her daughters that she didn’t want them to get As in everything because she wanted them to be mathematicians or doctors, she wanted them to get As because she believed in them. She believed they were bright, capable girls and pushed that belief onto them, until they too realized their capacity for success even in pursuits they did not enjoy. Additionally, a study done by Jeff Yang in the March 2013 edition of the Asian American Journal of Psychology suggests that high academic achievement goes hand in hand with high levels of psychological adjustment. I’m not going to pretend that tiger parenting doesn’t have a dark side. Like any other kind of parenting, just like the “free, individualistic” style of parenting Chua’s critics champion, tiger parenting can go terribly wrong. Suicide rates among students in Asia are very high and statistics show this is a combination of a more rigorous examination culture in combination with high parental pressure. But being a child of two very successful tiger parents, I see more benefits than harm. My own mother pushed me to learn to read and write in three languages, placed me in a variety of sports, pressed me to excel in academics, and taught me that no matter what obstacle life presented me with, with hard work and time, no matter how difficult or unpleasant, I can overcome anything. So, in the words of Sophia Chua, “for that, Tiger Mom, thank you.” This article was written by Rae Dehal. Send an email to [email protected] to get in touch. Photo Credit: Yuko Shimizu