This article was written by a student who wishes to remain anonymous. Many of the events described could enable a member of our community to identify the author. However, this author would like students and other members of our community to refrain from speculating. If you believe you know who the author may be, feel free to go up to them and discuss it. If you have further questions, email [email protected]. If you would like to share your own thoughts, please comment below (you can type your name in as anonymous). Please respect the author’s privacy and their decision to share these experiences anonymously.The problem was my fingers were trembling and I couldn’t hit the right buttons and my heart was beating too fast and I couldn’t think straight and my chest felt tight and my stomach hurt. Call 021-2059-9999. “你好...” Twice I got a computerized woman’s voice over the phone telling me the number I had dialed did not exist and my face felt blotchy and my head started to ache and I threw my phone at my pillow and then raced over to pick it up again because the thought of not talking to someone was scarier than the thought of actually getting through. Call 021-2059-9999. I took a deep breath, told myself to calm down, but when I started to redial my fingers felt like they were going numb, my eyes filled with tears, I started sweating; I felt itchy all over, I couldn’t do it. Call 021-2059-9999. The third time, the NYU Health and Wellness Center hotline picked up. I couldn’t get a word out before I burst into tears. I sat on my bed, slumped against the wall, crying wordlessly to this stranger over the phone. It felt like my heart was breaking, my head was splitting open, all the blood was flowing furiously through my veins and I felt like all of the numbness that allowed me to get through each day was gone and all of the hurt was back and it was heavy-handed and unrelenting. I was sobbing, chest heaving, trying to breathe, trying to relax, but I felt as if I was reliving every single moment from the past month that had caused me stress and I couldn’t escape it. “Now take a deep breath, hon, everything is gonna be just fine. Can you tell me your name?”I spoke to that stranger on the phone for over an hour. My parents were sleeping; my roommate was gone; I ignored my friends’ WeChats. I confided every single bit of stress - I couldn’t talk to my parents because they might have worried. I would hate it if I brought my friends’ high spirits down. My RAs? I hardly knew them, so how could I possibly tell them about my deepest darkest fears? This stranger was the safe haven I needed, the vessel for my feelings to spill out into so that I could be free of them for a day or two.Recently, I have heard a few too many doubts about Health and Wellness. There have been rumors flying around that Health and Wellness does not help. Health and Wellness cannot meet with everyone so they ask some students to come in less frequently. “I want to go to Parkway Health; they can actually help me there,” students say. I’m not sure about these students’ experiences, but I know that the woman on the Health & Wellness hotline listened to me and consoled me. I would like to offer my sincere gratitude to every staff member that works for that hotline. I called that number many times and every single plea for help was met. I could not possibly appreciate that more or thank each and every one of them enough. I would like to thank them here and publicly, because all of us need to never forget for a second that they are always there for you. My freshmen fall was incredibly and unanticipatedly rough - I felt like I was still swimming my way to China until the beginning of November. Then, I was so exhausted from being overwhelmed that I could only feel lost and confused. I never suspected that it was anything more than homesickness, but one day it felt like I got punched in the chest and I couldn’t catch my breath and my heart was tight around my lungs. I felt like there was no one to reach out to, but I then remembered the Reality Show. There are resources here for you, three very important resources that we should all be so informed of that we never forget about them when we need them.

Lesson One: Call the Health and Wellness hotline.The woman over the phone pressed me to go to seek help at the Health & Wellness center at NYU Shanghai. I was surprised and shocked, but terrified that I might get worse and then what would happen? The start of my first 45-minute session with Health & Wellness was spent sobbing. That is until I got it together, cleared my throat, and said, “No, but really I think I’m fine.” And then I laughed at myself and the counselor smiled a bit too, because obviously I was not doing okay. The counselor asked me if I wanted to transfer, but I immediately replied no. Then I realized that was a lie and I was ashamed. I felt as if I was letting down every single person who had commended me on getting into such an incredible school and going so far away from home for college. Everyone told me that I must be so brave, I must be so smart, I must be so wise. But each and every second I felt as if I was about to cry. My stomach hurt and I didn’t want to go to any of my classes or extracurriculars. I went back to watching Netflix, ordering Sherpas, and going out to keep up appearances; back to writing in my journal before ripping out the page and tossing it into the hall trash can in case my roommate suspected; back to ignoring my parents’ FaceTime calls because I felt as if telling them I was hurting was letting them down and I knew I couldn’t speak to them without bursting into tears. All I thought about was going home and getting out of this place and forgetting about these feelings… but what if they never went away and what if no one ever knew and what if everyone knew and what if I just sat in my bed and cried for the rest of my life, because I felt like I couldn’t breathe, the walls were closing in, and no one would ever understand.The second half of my Health and Wellness session was spent confiding all of my fears. I couldn’t stop thinking about what if I went out one afternoon on the 地铁 (dìtiě - subway) by myself and never came back? What if I drank a little too much 酒 (jiŭ - alcohol) and the friends that I thought had my back, actually didn’t? What if my bank account ran out of money? What if I couldn’t find healthy food? What if all of my friends secretly hated me? Why couldn’t I just head home? After a month here, I had had enough. I tried it - it didn’t work out, but hey, at least I gave it a shot. I missed my family, my friends, my home, my country, my pets. I missed every single little thing and could not imagine a time in the future where life in 上海 would rival life at home. How could it? A major misconception I had was that my anxiety existed solely because I was in Shanghai. However, college students everywhere suffer from anxiety. After talking to Health and Wellness, although my anxiety isn’t gone, it’s manageable and I truly owe so much of my current state of mind and confidence in my decision for university to their wonderful assistance. Never hesitate to reach out to them - no matter how big or small the problem may feel, your mental health is worth so much to all of us. Even if NYU’s Health and Wellness Center does not fit your needs, they can help you schedule appointments at Parkway Health or elsewhere.

Lesson Two: Never be afraid to schedule a counseling appointment. Health and Wellness helped me realize that my anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. Not for a single second does anxiety or depression or fear or self-doubt or homesickness imply that you are not a strong person. I do not want anyone for a second to think I am not assigning my name to this article because I am ashamed or feel that I am weak. Strength is in admitting that everything is not okay and fighting to rectify the problems. Strength is in admitting that you may not be happy and seeking to find ways to make yourself feel better. Strength is found in choosing the school that is right for you, doing what you love, and being honest with yourself. My struggles with anxiety were so painful for me, because it was so difficult for me to admit that the feelings were there. Once I admitted it, I would have to deal with it and I did not know how. Hiding my anxiety led to mild depression which was a major reason for the hard times I suffered the first semester I spent here. I thought that if anyone knew they would look down on me, think I was unworthy of attending school here and shun me until I packed my bags and bowed out as the same wreck I came in as. The point is: don’t judge the anxious; don’t judge the scared; don’t judge those who are uncomfortable; and don’t judge the depressed. Don’t judge someone who might not be adjusting as quickly as you may be and don’t shame them for it either; don’t hate the potential transfer. Never let yourself or friends or peers make comments that might give that impression either. Everyone faces different stresses, different pressures. I applied to transfer both in my fall and spring semester last year. I got accepted into other schools both times. I’m not saying this arrogantly, but rather to affirm that I had other options and chose to remain. I am now extremely comfortable in my decision to remain at school here. However, it may be true that this is not the right school for you. Furthermore, I firmly believe I am not alone in these feelings or experiences. I know other students have considered transferring and I knowfor a fact other students have tough days filled with anxiety or sadness or both. I know other students have been to Health and Wellness. I write anonymously because I want to discourage anyone from assigning these feelings to me rather than to any other possible student at this school. I don’t want anyone to feel like they should identify with me alone rather than any other member of this community. I believe that I am not wrong in saying that we have all been there, if even only for a moment. Never be ashamed or afraid to reach out to any of us.

Lesson number three: we are all here for you. I am always here for you, in my blissful anonymity. I know that I may sound like a mere spectator, but Health and Wellness truly isn’t. If it’s an emergency, call the hotline. If you’ve been feeling down for a while, email Health and Wellness and schedule an appointment. Keep these lessons in mind if you’re ever feeling a little too upset. If someone is bashing our community or Health and Wellness, stand up and reaffirm that we are wonderful. It is not only me (your nameless peer) who is here to support you, but Madeline (one of the counselors at Health and Wellness - I only mention her because I know first-hand that she is positively wonderful, even though I’m sure the rest are also fantastic) and Lin Lin the receptionist and everyone else in that department down to every single member of the administration (I also know first-hand that David Pe rocks), faculty, and students. We all care about you. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to any of us, call the hotline at 021-2059-9999. I know how scary it may be, but trust me, you won’t be disappointed. Jesse Owens, a four-time Olympic gold medalist, said: “The battles that count aren’t the ones for gold medals. The struggles within yourself - the invisible battles inside all of us - that’s where it’s at.” Spend as much time on your mental health as you do on your classes, remember the resources available, and most of all, know that we all support you. This article was written by Anonymous. Send an email to [email protected] to get in touch. Photo Credit: Arshaun Darabnia