What if I had stayed at home? What if I had never met her? What if I had stopped him when he was leaving...? The “what ifs” in my head are endless, and unless I battle them they take over. Not so long ago, one of my best friends asked me if three years ago, when that UWC scholarship was handed to me, I would have made the same choice, knowing the series of events following my decision to accept it. As I was trying to say yes, my eyes teared up and I wasn’t quite able to say anything. Something was preventing me from saying, “YES!” No matter the gravity of the words or the action, the “what if…” that comes after can be more devastating than the consequences of the events. What if you had done something differently? What if someone around you had said something to change your mind? What if a friend had done something to stop the event? And so on. Going to UWC or NYU Shanghai are decisions that take us away from friends and family, and then after our time there, will take us away from the family that we have created. The list never stops, this immense series of variables that go through one’s head includes the tiniest details and leaves one paralyzed at the thought that things could have been different. We’ve all said words that shouldn’t have been spoken; we’ve all done something that we regret, but the second we realize that we’ve done something wrong, it’s already too late. The words have been listened to, the actions have been watched, sometimes by strangers, sometimes just by us, and that is more than enough to make us wonder about the other possibility: the alternate life where we said what we should have said, what we think we truly wanted to say or do. The “what if” phenomenon doesn’t only exist in tragedies, it lives and breathes in the most banal situations as well as the very best moments in one’s life, because whatever path we choose, there will always have been another one, whether we know it or not. What if I had been born in another family? What if I had six siblings? Or what if you won the Christmas lottery? However, one does not choose where they’re born and unless involved in a major unlawful ploy, one has no power over winning the lottery. It becomes complicated when it comes to the decisions we get to (or have to) make - when it’s something that we know we had power over, but made a different choice. The “what if” that affects our own lives can be very painful. Knowing that you could have given yourself the life you wanted, but instead chose a different path that led you to the one you didn’t exactly want can be devastating. Sometimes we do it out of fear, embarrassment, appearances, or simply because we thought it was the right thing to do. The latter is an honest mistake, but even honest mistakes come with a great deal of regret. For the former reasons, we promise ourselves that next time will be different, but the truth is that we spend more time focusing on the mistakes that we’ve made in the past than making sure not make any more in the future. The peculiarity about this is that since the damage is done to oneself, there’s always time to fix things with oneself. Not being able to forgive oneself is probably one of the most excruciating feelings, but here’s the thing: you never leave yourself, in a way you’re always there, and as long as you’re there, there’s hope. Yet, there is still another category - when the “what if” applies to other people, especially those that you love or care about. Looking at a loved one that you have hurt is agonizing. Some people in our lives we consider as part of our entity, and seeing them hurt is almost more painful than hurting oneself. Sometimes it is a conscious choice that we regret, but sometimes it is not conscious. The price of this “what if” is the highest, since it combines hurting someone else and yourself. Fixing bad “what ifs”, the ones that hurt us, requires a lot of time and a lot of forgiveness, from oneself and from other parties. I wish I could say that they always fix themselves, or that we have the power to fix them, but that’s just not the truth. Sometimes they never get fixed, they become part of us, and we have to learn how to live with them. “What ifs” have shaped my life and made me who I am, yet sometimes I would give all the good “what ifs” to fix that particular regretful one where I hurt someone that I loved so much, and that infinitely loved me back. That one “what if” that taught me that love isn’t infinite after all, and that slapped me in the face. We are all human. We are all subject to mistakes and failures that push us to think about the kind of person we want to be. I have learned to think about the good “what ifs”, the higher willpower, destiny, or whatever you want to call what that has brought me where I am today. Some things must have gone right because I like where I am. The people around me, destiny, and I chose a specific path that automatically leads to “what ifs” that show me the illusion of another life of mine, better or worse. I guess sometimes there has been too much pain to be able to scream “YES”, even if I would have done it again without second thoughts. But after looking at my friend for long minutes and a face full of tears, I said a quiet “yes”. I said yes because after going through everything in my mind, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, I looked at Paula and I realized that she wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for all the good, and the bad. Some people are so precious in our lives that they make all the bad “what ifs” worth it. I can’t go back and tell him that I loved him when I knew I did, I can’t go back and erase the mean words that I’ve once said to my parents, but I also cannot erase the fact that getting into UWC was a miracle, and I can’t erase the friends that I’ve made in this “what if” that I have consciously and unconsciously chosen. To be happy one has to make peace with all the “what ifs” and live in harmony with the chosen one. You could have had a million different lives, and every decision you make carves a life that you want for myself. Some regrets might be too big to erase or forget, but you lose nothing by giving a fair shot to the “what if” where you are right now. This article was written by Ilham Farah. Send an email to [email protected] to get in touch. Photo Credit: Tirza Alberta