The glamorous life of a college student consists of balancing school, a social life, and the fine art of microwave cuisine. Dorm room cooking is a rite of passage that can either result in culinary masterpieces or a visit from the fire department. When you’re cooking in a space that could double as a walk-in closet, it’s crucial to follow the dorm room culinary rules.

1. Thou shalt not leave thy post: Dorm cooking is not a spectator sport. The moment you hit that ON button, you’re on duty. It’s just you, your culinary masterpiece, and the ever-watchful gaze of the smoke detector.
2. Thou shalt not overload thy power strip: We get it; you’re a multi-tasking master. But attempting to cook, charge your phone, and power your lamp you got off of Taobao all at once is a recipe for disaster. Choose safety over Instagram story likes.
3. Thou shalt keep it simple: Flambéing may sound impressive, but a flaming dish is more likely to impress the fire department than your taste buds. Stick to recipes that won’t turn your dorm into a scene from an action movie.
4. Thou shalt have an exit strategy: In the event of a culinary catastrophe, know your escape route. Familiarize yourself with the location of fire exits and, more importantly, the quickest route to the Holy Bagel down the street.
5. Thou shalt not underestimate the power of ventilation: Ventilation is your friend in the dorm kitchen arena. Open your windows and press the “2” button on top of the ventilator to ensure cooking odors and smoke do not linger in your room or set off the fire alarm.
6. Thou shalt use the stairs when the fire alarm sounds: In the event of a fire alarm, always opt for stairs over the elevator for a safe evacuation. Elevators pose potential risks during fire emergencies, such as power failures, malfunctions, or becoming trapped in between floors. Stairs are more reliable and efficient means of escape, allowing for a faster exit from the building and reducing the risk of injury.
7. Thou shalt not attempt to extinguish a grease fire with water: Resist the instinct to douse the pan that is on fire, as this can exacerbate the situation, causing the grease to splatter and the flames to intensify. Instead, utilize a fire extinguisher, or cover the flames with a metal lid to smother the fire.

In conclusion, with a bit of pepper and a dash of caution, you can transform your living space into a haven of delicious delights without triggering a dorm-wide evacuation (like what happened in the beginning of last semester.) Bon appétit!